DON’T STOP TILL YOU GET ENOUGH
A holiday at RockStar is a veritable Mardi Gras of fun. There’s really so much to do, we decided you needed to be completely sober to enjoy the experience. So we banned alcohol. In exactly 1.4 seconds you will realize that’s an excellent joke - so you can stop panicking and enjoy this section. The amount of fun to be had at RockStar is best summed up by applying that old saying that your mum used a lot, regarding ‘sounding like a broken record’. You can understand we had to apply this concept somewhere on this website, so here’s the application:
RockStar is fun
RockStar is fun
RockStar is fun
So don’t worry if your family and friends are boring. When it comes to holiday fun, Villa RockStar is the goose that laid the golden egg - and we have the photo of the egg to totally prove it.
SERVICE - IS IN THE HOUSE
As you can see, at Villa RockStar we don’t take ourselves too seriously. However, as sure as it will be over 25 degrees Celsius here tomorrow - you can trust we are very serious about your holiday. RockStar is a professionally managed full service villa with trained on site staff and a serious management team up the ladder and just around the corner. Your only job is to relax and get into the holiday groove.
Here is a summary of services and activities to keep all functional and dis-functional members of your group amused.
Top Chef
RockStar has the best villa chef in Phuket, full stop. If you’ve never had your own private chef, let alone a top one, just wait and see how much romance it adds to your holiday. It is also convenient, entertaining and many other benefits, but we are trying to target more honeymooners and broken marriages so I used the word romantic as a marketing strategy.
Note your mum does not count as your own private chef, as they do it for love unlike our chef who does it for the huge salary. That’s not true because really he lives to cook. A natural born Cooker. He gets paid a fortune because he loves to cook, but cooks because he gets paid a fortune. It’s a vicious circle for which there is no loophole in the labour laws or laws of nature, for us to escape.
There’s a whole page on this website dedicated to Chef Pong, master of the kitchen, gladiator of gourmet and valentine of the vegetable. So if you look at the website menu (no pun intended) it’s obviously the section labelled TOP CHEF. There was not enough space to include the word ‘masters’, but it would be there if logistically possible.
Here is a photo of some people enjoying food by Chef Pong. The painting of Jimmy on the wall is really horizontally level. That’s just an effect we created to simulate the live view - that you’re likely to experience after a few wines.
Free Range Cooking Classes
Learn how to cook some classics from Chef Pong. No timetable, no text books, no course fees. Just stand or sit around the kitchen island and Chef Pong will explain as he goes, answer questions and ignore any cat calling. You can even join in the fun, but be careful to follow Chef Pong’s lead and not to stuff anything up and ruin dinner or Chef Pong’s reputation.
Bring your own note book and pen and you’re away. Whatever you want to eat becomes the cooking lesson. So if you want to learn Massaman curry, don’t order fried fish. You can plan this ahead with Chef Pong, who does breakfast and dinner every day. Dinner cooking starts early. So the guys can go play golf while the ladies learn some tricks from Chef Pong to impress those lazy hubbies one day in the future (or not).
This is a photo of people hanging around Chef Pong, doing exactly what I described above. Note there are men and women in this cooking class, because Chef Pong also does unisex and transgender classes - including the very popular Frock Star 101. If you are a cross dressed Zombie - there will still be cooking.
Villa Manager
Chef Pong is also Mr Pong, the Villa Manager. How about that? He speaks perfect English and knows everything about the villa, and almost everything about anything outside the villa but sometimes nothing about world politics or the world series so don’t nag him about that please. He is such a pleasant and helpful dude that you can communicate with directly, as he visits the villa every day for breakfast and dinner and is available by phone on 1-800 COOK all other times. We’ll give you his other number when you arrive.
We get rave reviews regularly from guests about Mr Pong, but we don’t show them to him as his head is already aesthetically a bit large. That’s a joke as you will see he is a handsome guy and the hubbies might suddenly be more interested in learning how to slice an onion, instead of a golf ball.
Villa Manager
Rockstar has a live in maid. Her normal working hours are 8.00am – 5.00pm. She is also on call 23/7 for special assistance. The other 1 hour a day she is studying to be a brain surgeon. We told her at that rate, she will be able to qualified to operate on a brain in about another 50 years. Her answer was that will be just in time to save herself.
Daily Maid
RockStar also has a daily maid to help clean the huge villa, as the first maid is not Wonder Woman.
Between the two maids and with Mr Pong at the wheel – RockStar will be spotless at all times. If it were a pair of Army boots you would be able to use them as a mirror to do your makeup. That was the standard set by my Dad many years ago when it was fashionable to make world war jokes, and whenever he went to the Pharmacy to get sedatives.
Massage
Professional local suppliers will come to the villa at short notice. You can get a massage by the pool, in the garden, in air con comfort of your private room or standing up staring at the sea view for all we care. (someone did it) Cost is from only $18 an hour for Thai massage, a bit more for special such as deep tissue or oil massage. At that rate one must ask oneself two questions. First, why not get a massage every day and second, what’s the square root of 375?
Here is a photo of a lady with a stone on her head.
Airport transfers
Our regular driver will meet you at the airport with a sign saying your name and RockStar. So for example: “Brenda Pumpernickel – RockStar”. When people ask you for your autograph - feel free to oblige but don’t let any stalkers follow you to the villa. Here’s a photo of the minivan. It’s a luxury 14 seater but that day was bucketing down with rain. It might rain when you’re here so this a reality check, and a reflection of what we are at RockStar - level headed very normal conservative extremists about harsh realities.
Transport around Phuket
The supplier is on call 24/7 to transport the team. Pay point to point taxi style, or rent for a whole day the dedicated service. Highly recommended as a safe, reliable and relaxing method of getting around. They can pick you up from the villa, or outside at a bar, or from the beach. Rates are better and so is the experience, over cramming the team into tuk tuks or relying on local public transport which does not exist.
Moped rental
For the young or young at heart. Safe enough if you are careful and the ultimate easy get around. Just wear a helmet and carry your license. Theres a $10 fine and 2 hour wait at the police station as they fill out forms while watching TV. (that’s just to punish you, as they know the $10 is peanuts compared to your holiday time) The villa can refer to a reputable supplier, who will deliver bikes to the villa to save you trekking the streets.
You cannot rent this car in Phuket because it’s a Bugatti owned by a Tap Dancer in Monaco. Though there are faster road machines here for rent, such as a Ducati Monster. (that’s a knarly motorbike not a horror movie). If you’re a normal person you can rent a Toyota Fortuna or a Honda Jazz. Just park the Jazz in the street away from the villa. Note we refuse to put photos of these cars on a website called Villa RockStar.
Car rental is great if you have experience driving in Asia, or like us are part time consultants to famous Formula 1 drivers. If not I would use the minivan service. Let’s just say it’s a bit more unpredictable here than road conditions back home. Plus you won’t be able to read some road signs and might end up in Laos. Signs like this one are helpful but may set a bad example for the children.
If you suffer from symptoms of road rage – a hundred mopeds zipping around you within an inch of your car will bring out the best in you. So will grandma on the 3 wheel sidecar with 6 kids, 2 chickens and a coconut tree on the back, who will cut you off as if you were invisible. Here is a photo of someone having an attack of boat rage. It’s different to road rage - as there’s no escape except to swim for it.
Free water
Terminator Pool Tournaments
A 9ft Pro Terminator Pool table. We didn’t make up that name. It’s the brand name. We would have called it Daisy, but various ex- World Champions objected, saying that would create gender confusion because the equipment has 6 holes, 2 poles, 16 balls and a rack.
Say What Squash
It’s called this because everybody says ‘say what’ - when we tell them RockStar has its own private pro standard squash court. Here’s the photo as exhibit 1. to prove it. Don’t say “say what’ - please think of something more original and email us your suggestions by post.
Dancing with the stars
Major music system in the main arena by BOSE. Surround sound. Boom box on pool deck, LED disco lights in the pool, I phone links, music library of Rock classics, 55 inch TV with MTV, VTV and a partridge in a pear tree. RockStar is set up for small parties, and has enough room to get down, boogie woogie, hip hop, shake your booty …. or square dance.
The pool table is rectangular but can be used as a general guide for square dancing. If you want to pole dance, the maids will hold a broomstick vertically for you. If you’re a Rapper, the floor is polished Birchwood so you can slide along it on your head without getting splinters. If you’re a head banger please only use the cement driveway for this. If your into Jazz, that’s ok as long as you don’t drive one. If you love Country music, that’s permitted but unsuitable as you’re staying at the beach. If you are into Opera, seek medical attention. That’s a joke, as we all saw Le Miserable’s.
The point is – with the stars above, the ocean out front, music in your ears and bubbly in your belly – you can literally hit your peak at Villa RockStar without sniffing glue, like they have to at other inferior villas.
Sunsets – by Shake, Rattle and Roll.
In regards to sunsets we re- named that phrase: Stare, Babble and Stroll. It means star at the sunset, babble about it and take the odd stroll to the bathroom between glasses of bubbly.
Shoot hoops
RockStar has a proper basketball hoop in the big parking area. The big parking area has a smooth flat surface. Along the parking wall there are huge fanned banana trees - that you can pretend is a grandstand of fans eating bananas.
Jacuzzi in the pool
This is self explanatory. If not - you need help.
Scuba Diving lessons in the pool
Pro instructors from the best dive companies will come to the villa and teach you the basics – in the pool. This will save you hours of preparation, transport, and from wallowing around in the ocean like new born buffalo.
100 Satellite TV Channels
More TV than you have at home. All major sports, news, movies, Nat Geo, Discovery, History, cartoons … the lot. Everything except free porn. For this you can watch fashion TV and wait for the sexy parts. Why do you need more TV here than at home you ask? The answer is you don’t - so you just failed our only trick question on this website. It was about TV only and you still failed. Bit of a worry.
Monopoly
The members asked what the hell I was going to say about this. They are right. I have nothing.
Many other things
There are many other things to do at RockStar.
I JUST CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF
If you fall down the stairs or something, don’t blame it on the boogie. Take comfort in the fact that Patong Hospital is just down the road and sponsored by Singha Beer.
BE OUT THERE
Here’s what’s happening outside the villa.
This section is short because you have Google. There is obviously a lot to do on a tropical island, that’s surrounded by other tropical islands, where every man, woman, and subset of them - make their living providing services and entertainment options for tourists.
The location page on this website explains Patong Beach somewhat, but we forgot to mention there’s also 1,758 Tailor shops there where you can buy a quality custom suit for peanuts. Some of the Tailors are relatives from extended families and therefore have names such as Armani, Versace and Hugo Boss.
ISLAND TOURS
There’s one activity we should rave about. That’s to get on a boat and go to Phuket’s offshore islands. The names Phang nga Bay and Phi Phi Island should ring a bell. You can hire a private charter boat, big or small and experience a wonderland unlike any other. Here are 3 pictures that say a thousand words (each). That’s 3,000 words I just saved myself writing. You would have done the same unless you’re a blogger. These are real photos taken by local tour companies. The big boat is an Azimut. We must tell you this otherwise we are not allowed to use the pic.
BERT
If you run into our crab, Angry Bert - please ask him to come home, as we are not going to boil him for dinner. Angry Bert is a Porcelain Crab, so people mistakenly think hes also fragile. This makes Bert even angrier. On Bert's most recent tour to visit Ancient Greek Ruins, a customs officer stuck a FRAGILE sticker on Bert's head. That guys now been transferred to a dept. that doesn't require fingers. After that Bert had a T shirt printed that says: "I am 60% claws". Here is the last known photo of Bert being angry.
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